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miscel10.txt
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1997-04-16
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The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave
eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed
it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
----------------------------------------------------
Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12?
Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice.
----------------------------------------------------
Chess-playing has been prohibited in South Africa.
The government doesn't like black kings.
----------------------------------------------------
Dr. Odell fell down a well
And broke his collar bone.
But Doctors should attend the sick,
and leave the well alone.
----------------------------------------------------
While you're on mythical bank robbery stories:
I heard of a bank robber who wrote the message:
Give me all your money, I have a bom
(yes, bomb was misspelled)
...ON the back of one of his MOTHER'S CHECKS
Also, my girlfriend works in a bank, occasionally they
get hold up notes, bacause kids write things on the
backs of deposit slips (and their parents don't
always notice.)
----------------------------------------------------
All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of
a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over
here in the uk.
One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so
he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains.
240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.
Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her
new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.
A while ago(
flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs
which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a
concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if
he folded it in half!
----------------------------------------------------
FYI, have a good weekend, Henry III. Mike.
November 8, 1990
----------------------------------------------------
Expense Accounts, n.:
Corporate food stamps.
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
-- R. A. Heinlein
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
-- T. Lehrer
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
"Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
----------------------------------------------------
,,, But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
----------------------------------------------------
During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered
which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on
the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day.
One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it
proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime
band.
The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent.
Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the
emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah
so! The clot thickens!"
When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little
comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.
A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term
shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence
with a proposition.
=========================================================================
This political joke is from the book "From Beirut to Jerusalem," by
Thomas Friedman.
-----------------
A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election.
Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the
vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented!
What more could you possibly want?
Assad: Their names.
----------------------------------------------------
Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a
panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's
already been taken care of."
----------------------------------------------------
(From the April 15, 1991 edition of Newsweek Magazine:)
"I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in English public
schools and served in the ranks of the British Army is quite at home in a
Third World prison."
British businessman ROGER COOPER, on being released last week after five
years in an Iranian prison.
----------------------------------------------------
From: mitchell@MDI.COM (Bill Mitchell)
Reminds me of something I overheard on a tactical radio in Vietnam:
Voice #1: "We're taking enemy fire from the treeline!"
Voice #2: "Those are friendlies in the treeline!"
Voice #1: "Roger that. We're taking friendly fire from the treeline!"
----------------------------------------------------
French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse,
and one forwards - in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
----------------------------------------------------
The current shortages in Cuba do produce jokes:
At the University of Havanna, some students and professors refer
to the course on Marxism as science fiction.
Others point out that Castro's tough it out slogan, "Socialism
or Death" is a redundancy.
----------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
=========================================================================
Subject: Start your week with humor from the Henry Cate III archives
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
----------------------------------------------------
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
----------------------------------------------------
While watching Channel 4 news last night (with the sound off, of
course) I noticed they were displaying a graphic entitled "STATE
ASSEMBLY PLAN" over a very patriotic picture of our state capitol
building. The graphic read:
--------------------------
| STATE ASSEMBLY PLAN |
| |
| - Do nothing |
| until May |
| |
| - Tax the rich |
--------------------------
This is the best thing I've seen come out of government in a long time...
----------------------------------------------------
Two American tourists are looking at the Niagara falls,
one of them is from New York and the other one from Texas.
The NY-guy says:
"I bet not even you, in Texas, have something similar to that."
"Well, no,", the Texas-guy says, "but we do have a man
that could fix this leak in five minutes."
----------------------------------------------------
An American expedition is getting ready for going to Africa.
The boss gathers his men, and tells them how to behave:
"We have to be carefull of how we behave with those
natives. Most important is, that we don't argue too much
with them if it's not really necessary.
For instance, if someone there tells you that Africa
is bigger than Texas, don't bother enlightening him."
----------------------------------------------------
It seems that, in a fit of international awareness, some southern states were
trying to make foreign language a high school requirement. One of the
opposition, a depressingly stupid lady, stood up in a school board meeting and
said "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"
----------------------------------------------------
A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for
chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves
and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, "What a terrific memory!"
----------------------------------------------------
Maybe not last words, but close: When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?)
asked "Have you made your peace with God?" Thoreau answered "I am not
aware that we have ever quarreled."
----------------------------------------------------
o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
----------------------------------------------------
"Cathy! what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a nurse, sister."
"Good, good. And you, Maggie?"
"I want to be a teacher, sister."
"Right on. How'bout you, Mary?"
"I want to be a nun, sister."
"Very good. Marie?"
"I want to be a prostitute, sister."
"A WHAT?"
"A prostitute."
"Good heavens! I thought you said - a protestant!!"
----------------------------------------------------
Last night I saw some Japanese tourists trying to locate the
Southern Cross using a night-sky map. When they found it, all
3 of them whipped out their cameras and took a flash-illuminated
photo of it.
----------------------------------------------------
Roberto had immigrated to New York from southern Italy late in the previous
spring. Now, on the threshold of winter, he was experiencing his first really
cold morning as he waited for his friend Giuseppi.
Giuseppi was a second-generation American (subspecies: New Yorker), accustomed
to the chill and humidity of the weather in the Northeast. Arriving, he and
Roberto set off down the sidewalk to their respective jobs, each striding along
with his hands buried in his pockets.
Both men were usually talkative, but this particular morning, Giuseppi chatted
alone. Other than an occasional grunt, Roberto declined to speak.
Finally, feeling very uncomfortable, Giuseppi asked, "What is this that's with
you, my friend Roberto? You aren't looking unhappy, you aren't drunk, but you
won't even make friendly talk. Whattsa problem?"
Replied Roberto: "It's-a cold! You want me freeze-a my hands?"
----------------------------------------------------
We tried to get rid of a very dead washing machine one time. It sat on the curb
with a "free" sign on it for several days. When we put a "$50" sign on it, it
disappeared that night!
----------------------------------------------------
I was in the post office today when a fellow walked in asking to post a
letter to England. What transpired was funny enough to warrant writing
down and follows as best I remember it.
Man: I'd like to post a letter to England.
Clerk: That'll be $1.20
M: $1.20? I thought it was $1.10!
C: I'm afraid the prices have gone up.
M: When did they go up?
C: Oh, it must have been around December last year (it's now April).
M: No, I'm sure it's only $1.10, they only charge me $1.10 at Dapto.
C: Well, I'm afraid it's $1.20
M: Hrmph, I'm going to post this at Dapto (marches out the door in a huff)
At this point I think to myself how on earth he's going to get to Dapto
(15 km away) for 10 cents. Now this conversation was more than audible
by everyone in the post office (me, three clerks and the man in
question). The clerks now discuss amongst themselves the possibility
that Dapto post office is undercharging and ring them to check.
The Dapto post office charges $1.20 for mail to England!
Well, it was funny at the time.
----------------------------------------------------
The rest of this stuff is from postings sent out by
Victor Schwartz SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com
------------------------
What's orange, and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
------------------------
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
(Thanx again to Ken Dorfman.)
------------------------
Think positive. Remember...
Negative expectations yield negative results!
Positive expectations yield negative results!
------------------------
"Pepper" the parrot, hired last fall for a TV commercial for Alascom, the long-
distance telephone carrier for Alaska, actually only lip-synced his line
because the sponsor thought Pepper sounded too human. The company wound up
hiring a human actor who imitated a parrot's voice.
------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent man?
A: Bigfoot's been spotted a several times.
----------------------------------------------------
I heard this on Dave Broadfoot's monologue on Air Farce today:
Q: How amny Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: what's the best way to accelerate a Macintosh?
A: 9.8 m/(s*s)
----------------------------------------------------
So I'm driving in today, and the INB plug for "let us save you money
paying bills" came on the radio. They want to save you the cost of
checks, stamps, and envelopes.
"At INB we figure that you can pay up to thirty-nine cents or more on
each bill. If you pay 20 bills each month, that's over one hundred
dollars a year"
I'm in a particular hurry to give these math majors my accounting business.
Has anyone made use of this service?
----------------------------------------------------